On the Off Chance I Am Not Alone Forever • What Are The Boys Doing On Their Camping Trip?

1. On the Off Chance I Am Not Alone Forever

Because I wasn’t invited so I don’t know, can’t know. I’m
flush with other questions: Am I a boy? Who is the arbiter of
boy-ness? Am I just mad at being left out? I imagine the boys
in the woods, clawing beer cans, pressing fire, no lady in
sight. I’m reminded of all I am not. Or they just don’t like
me. And out with the girls I am attracted to, I say the boys are
probably doing gay stuff. The girls laugh because I do gay stuff,
and I’m a little interloper here, the queer clown they’ve hired,
doing my best to look like a boy, but not being one. Because
I wasn’t invited. And even as I joke and complain, and let the
girls enjoy my difference, I’m jealous of the girls and the
boys—their certainty. Maybe the boys are
just telling their stories, puffing their chests like seals,
enjoying a woody solace. Maybe, after a boy-sized
amount of beer, they long to say I’m alone. Something was
ripped from my marrow long ago. My only escape is you.
Then they retreat to their sleeping bag caskets,
hear the low growl of crickets, see the open
pored sky, shudder at the multiple and distant noise.

Mark Spero (he/they) is a poet and essayist. Mark was awarded the 2024 Robert Watson Prize, was a finalist for the 2023 Prufer Prize, and was selected by Philip B. Williams for the 2021 Madeline DeFrees Prize from the Academy of American Poets. They have received support from the Bread Loaf Writers’ Conference, the Community of Writers, and the Minnesota Northwoods Writers Conference. Their work can be found or is forthcoming in The Greensboro Review, Poetry Northwest, Pleiades, and elsewhere. Mark holds an MFA in Poetry and an MA in Literature from the University of Montana.

Edited by Stuti Pachisia and Ivy Raff.

The featured artwork was created for this piece by our Art Director, Meg Sykes.

1. On the Off Chance I Am Not Alone Forever

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